How I Met Your Father
by Bigmonsters
Summary: Butters still needs sex education. Eric volunteers, but he is up to no good. His motives are unknown, and he has bribed his parents to trust him. Rated M in case, but there is no lemons.


**Hello everyone! This is a Buttman / Cartters Fanfic. It is rated M just in case. There is no lemons, and I will not do a lemon either. If you think it qualifies as T+ or isn't explicit, then feel free to say so! Please review**

Butters still didn't understand why his weiner got all angry, and why it produced milk. He was a teenager and his parents didn't explain how babies were made. He constantly got picked on for that. Especially by Eric. Butters shared a slight love for him, and he was certainly gay. He wasn't quite sure what gay was, but he knew he was gay. However, his parents gave in to Eric requesting to teach him about sex with money bribery. Today, he was going to the first day of it! Smiling nervously, he was walking past Kyle when he asked politely.

"Hey Butters, what are you doing for Saturday?" He asked. Butters smiled, replying. "Eric is gonna teach me about why I get creamy goo!" He answered. Kyle stopped in his tracks to converse. "Wow thats great Butter... WHAT?!" Kyle asked, realizing what he had just said. Butters nodded, smiling real big. "Why would Cartman teach you... That?" He asked with arched eyebrows. Butters replied happily. "Well, because! My parents won't. Boy, I bet Eric will do good!" He put in positively. Kyle facepalmed, sighing. "Butters, you really should go with someone who isn't an egotistical, racist, fat, perverted, stupid bastard." He advised.

Butters tilted his head, confused. "What could go wrong?" Was his question, green eyes twinkling gently. Kyle replied back, starting to whip around. "Lot's of things. Trust me, you shouldn't try it. You won't regret listening to me." Kyle put in, walking away. Butters shrugged it off, going opposite sides as he hummed a song. Knocking on Eric's house, Eric opened the door hovering over Butters with his massive self. "You came just in time Butters!" He put in. Hearing moaning, the blonde asked curiously. "Hey Eric, is your mom dying?" He asked, eyebrows quirked nervously.

"No, she's doing something that might make your creamy goo pop out." He replied back, nicer then usual. Butters was nervous now. What mischief could this bully be up to this time? "Wanna see?" He asked. Butters nodded. "Yes please..." He replied. Grasping his hand, he tugged him along and brought him to the door of Liane's room. There was too much going on for Liane to notice Eric open the door, whispering. "Shh... Do not disturb them." He said. Butters instantly noticed a scene - it's much too intense to be described in detail, but he said the simpleness. "It's two men naked with your ma Eric! What's she doing with their weiner?" He asked.

Eric smiled. "I'm glad you asked. That, you see, is how people die. They die whenever they touch each other if their nude. But whenever their clothed, the man shoves a pan in the womans mouth, and she gets pregnant!" He stated. Butters looked at his pants. "So if she touches my weiner I will die?" He asked. "No your lover will." He replied cooly. Butters frowned. "So why does it get creamy goo?" He asked. Eric dipped his head. "That is because you get 'horny.'" Eric replied. Butters widened his eyes. "What does that mean?" He asked.

"Well, when people get real, real, excited to touch people's weiners, goo comes out from your weiner." Eric stated. "And that goo is what makes you want to let a woman touch your weiner. Therefore, they die." He put in. Butters tilted his head. "And what about it getting all hard?" He added. Eric answered as if professional. "That is when you start to get horny." He replied. Butters frowned, a bit confused. "Why do they call it horny?" He asked.

"Because right before they die, people grown horns, right out of their weiner or the special thing the woman has... A vajayjay." Butters noticed all this talk about girls and boys, but before he could speak Eric added. "And whenever they do this deadly action, it is called sex." The teenager put in. Butters was absolutely amazed! This was grand discoveries. "And Eric, what about a boy and a boy, or a girl and a girl?" He asked his love-interest. Maybe it was safe to touch Eric's weiner! Eric grinned deviously. "Well Butters, they can have sex. And having sex not only is safe, but it creates babies the more civil way. That's why people are starting to become gay and lesbian!" Eric said. "So am I gay?" Butters asked. "Or lesbian?" He added in. Eric inspected him for a while, before nodding. "A boy and a boy is gay if you like boys. And you act pretty gay... but lesbians... They are when girls like each other." Eric put in.

Butters nodded. "So, like Wendy and Bebe are lesbian?" He asked. Eric snickered a bit nodding in agreement. "Yes, you're very right Butters!" Eric replied. Looking out the window as the moaning from the other room ceased, he nodded. "Looks like it's about to be lunch. Better be getting home soon Butters!" The teenager, who seemed to grow much to innocent today, advised. Nodding, Butters smiled. "Wow! Thanks Eric, you're a real pal!" He said, suddenly wrapping his arms around his shoulders and hugging him. Eric returned the embrace. However, letting go he fiddled with his fingers, kicking the ground shyly behind him, Butters ran away.


End file.
